I can’t decide which part I like best: the part where he awkwardly takes off his clothes, or the part where he awkwardly pushes a chair around, or the part where he awkwardly pulls money out of his pants (paper AND coin!), or the part where he awkwardly mimes the lyrics, or the part where he awkwardly gesticulates with a stack of dollar bills, or the part where he awkwardly tries to shuffle a deck of cards, or the part where his inability to shuffle a deck of cards is awkwardly obscured by a stack of chips, or the part where he awkwardly pours a shot of whiskey, or the part where he awkwardly does not drink the shot of whiskey, or the part where he awkwardly poses for a freeze frame with the shot of whiskey.
I just can’t decide.
(Kenny Rogers - The Gambler)
KEEP FEAR ALIVE!
(NSFW, if your work has a problem with reproductive biology and rough anatomical sketches. And if so, you should quit.)
Dear Right Wing,
Hi! Professional sex educator here, hoping to clear some things up. I know I’m the kind of sex educator you totally hate - the kind who believes in dumb commie things like accessible, affordable abortions for women who want them, medically accurate sex education that isn’t intentionally deceptive, universally available contraceptives, and protecting people’s (even sluts’!) reproductive health and rights in general - but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m thoroughly and scientifically educated about the nuances of sex and pregnancy, and most of you aren’t. You’re gonna have to trust that I might know a little bit more about this than you do, because it’s my job. After all, I don’t come down to the Senate floor and knock the “disenfranchising poor people” dick out of your mouths.
It seems as if many members of your party, in addition to having impressively deplorable opinions about sexual assault, are a tad…misinformed about the basics of human reproduction. I know, it’s hard! What wise, all-knowing, powerful legislators wouldn’t be confused by ladies’ super confusing confusion holes? I teach sex ed to “at-risk” inner-city youth, so I’m pretty good at making this complicated icky vag stuff digestible for all education levels. I’ma break it down real simple-like for you (spoiler alert: rape CAN cause babies!).
I’m not one to get all chocolatey about dead celebrities, but I vividly remember the summer of 1990, when I wore Grandma Sherry’s size 5 tap shoes and time-stepped endlessly to the vinyl version of “How Will I Know” on her tile kitchen floor for hours upon hours, while she cooked me bottomless pots of Kraft macaroni and cheese, until my pre-teen feet finally outgrew those black, leather, semi-heel taps.
Dead Whitney Houston = I should probably call my grandma. She called me when Etta James died, so I need to return the favor.
Pro-“life” activists are like cancer: they’re ubiquitous, often go undetected until their damage is irreversible, and heartbreakingly detrimental to women’s health.
Which is why it’s so mind-blowing that one of the country’s most powerful and well-known cancer charities has teamed up with pro-life activists to deny women lifesaving breast cancer screenings.
Ugh. For real, buttholes? I would be irate if I wasn’t so used to this bullshit.
When news first broke that the Susan G Koman foundation yanked breast cancer screening funding from Planned Parenthood, people were dumbfounded. Huh/What/Why/How? What were they thinking? Why would they do that? How could anyone have a problem with Planned Parenthood providing breast cancer screenings? But to understand how something like this could happen, you have to understand the pro-life movement, which is at the heart of the split.
I’ve worked in the reproductive rights field for over ten years and I know more about pro-life activists than they know about themselves. I have spent hundreds of thousands of hours studying their materials, debating them, dodging their attacks, and, yes, secretly helping them get abortions and birth control behind their community’s back (it happens more than you think). I know a thing or two about the true motive of the anti-choice movement, and I promise you this:
Last night I spent the evening at my local bar, sipping gin while creating a lesson plan, the intention of which was to teach pre-teens how to avoid HIV, STDs, and unplanned pregnancy. A dapper gentleman approached, politely introduced himself, and began to wax poetic on how beautiful the glow from my laptop made me look, that it perfectly illuminated my “features” (whatever those are), and how, combined with the pencil protruding from the bun atop my head and the stacks of notebooks surrounding me, I appeared “studious and, well, just absolutely perfect.” I was genuinely surprised because I’d always assumed uplighting was terribly unflattering and enhanced the numerous wrinkles and imperfections that decorate my far-from-porcelain visage, but no, he insisted, I looked positively angelic. Now I’m just bragging, but even though this sounds like bullshit it’s all incredibly true, so whatever, fuckface.
PASADENA, CA - Dr. Drew Pinsky, addiction specialist, media personality, and creator of an assortment of television shows such as Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, Teen Mom Reunion: Checkup with Dr. Drew, and Celebrity Rehab Presents: Sober House, will host VH1’s newest addition to their “CelebReality” lineup, Celebrity Abortion Clinic with Dr. Drew.
“For years I’ve given the public an inside look at stars struggling with poor person problems like alcoholism, drug abuse, sex addiction, and lack of tabloid coverage,” Pinsky stated. “And now I’m shedding light on the fascinating world of Hollywood pregnancy terminations.”
“Finally America will have the unique opportunity to observe celebrity uteruses as they experience the good, bad, and ugly sides of the abortion process,” announced a press release from VH1. “From the pregnancy test to the options counseling, to the cervical dilation and vacuum aspiration, cameras will document the trials and tribulations of seven famous tramps in their quest to be pregnancy-free.”
“When having an abortion, the best thing you can do is videotape the experience and sell it into syndication,” suggests Dr. Drew.
Though it has yet to air, Celebrity Abortion Clinic is already creating controversy, and conservative groups are predictably unhappy about its blatant displays of female bodily sovereignty. George Henderson, spokesperson for the pro-life organization Stop Holocausting America’s Beautiful Little Angels (SHABLA), expressed disgust at the program, claiming it “devalues the already-neglected lives of celebrity children” and “glorifies women selfishly escaping the natural consequences of unholy sexual relations.” “Babies are precious miracles from God,” Henderson stated. “And these irresponsible sluts deserve to be punished with one.”
Responding to concerns about the show’s potential to glamorize abortion, network representatives reassured critics that the participating women were “held up to copious amounts of ridicule” and “thoroughly shamed.” “While preserving the patients’ dignity was our first priority when chronicling their invasive uterine procedures for millions of viewers, we made certain to maintain proper levels of paternalistic finger-wagging and public humiliation as well,” VH1 said.
Dr. Drew also defended himself against the common accusation that his television programs exploit deeply troubled patients for the purpose of entertainment. “I’m in the business of helping people,” Pinsky offered. “America is in the midst of an unemployment crisis, and because of my shows, these previously out-of-work celebrities have managed to reclaim mediocre levels of fame and notoriety. In fact, many of the participants in Celebrity Rehab return for subsequent seasons, which speaks to its success. They may be high out of their minds, but they’re on television. They’re back in the public eye again. They get to be famous, and more importantly, so do I. I’m confident Celebrity Abortion Clinic is going to offer its patients these same opportunities.”
When asked what role the women’s partners would have in Celebrity Abortion Clinic with Dr. Drew, producers noted that there isn’t much focus on men. “Viewers are really more interested in the girls who got themselves pregnant,” they explained.
Celebrity Abortion Clinic with Dr. Drew will air Thursday nights at 10:00pm EST. Pinsky is also slated to host VH1’s Basketball Wives Reunion Special: STD Testing with Dr. Drew later this month.
(For your FYI, this is jokes - not real. Apparently this wasn’t initially super obvious to people, which either means that I suck at writing satire, or we’re at such a cultural nadir in terms of both exploitation of women and media offerings that a show called Celebrity Abortion Clinic is actually plausible. Little from column A, little from column B, probs.)
As I opened my computer this morning, I discovered the “l” in “Google” had been replaced with a tie, thereby reminding me today is Father’s Day. It appears that the tie has become the international symbol for dads, which I not only find classist and sexist, but also inaccurate because my dad has never worn a fucking tie in his life.
My dad has a uniform, and it’s flip-flops, swim trunks, a hat, and globs of sunblock (he’ll put on a shirt, but only if he really has to). He wore this outfit to my birth, my graduations, and every event in between for the 27 years I’ve known him. He even wears this uniform to work, because when you’re employed as a PE teacher and volleyball coach, you can totally get away with a wardrobe comprised entirely of beach clothes.